Friday, October 2, 2009

The Wrong Why

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For a long time I've been asking myself why my left hip and glutes are so incapable of keeping up with my training. Turns out I was asking the wrong question, one based on faulty assumptions. All the pain is in the left, but the problem is actually stemming from the right. My right side in that area has less range of motion and strength, so the left side has compensated heroically, but is now overwhelmed to the point of even recruiting adjacent muscles to help out in the lost cause.

This pain I have been having while running is one of the biggest reasons I'm currently taking some down time. I'm also tired and depleted, both mentally and physically. Since Rock and Ice I've been running on empty. Haliburton finally woke me up, and I realized I need to figure out my hip for real and get rested so that I can start enjoying the process again. The thought of not training was scary, but after making the wrong choice after Sulphur and starting again, I ended up in an even worse place. The whisper had become a yell; time to pay attention.

So, I've let it all go, and I'm not insisting on a timeline. I'm running a bit here and there when I feel like it, but mostly letting my body recharge and heal. I've started treatment and rehab for my hip, and already it's starting to improve. I'm finding out who I am without training, and surprisingly, as scary as that thought was to me, I'm just fine. There's a lot of peace in that for me - I'm the same shmuck with or without it!! I suspected as much, but it's good to confirm.

I used running to help discover who I authentically was. Before that, I had spent too many years trying to fit in and be like everyone else, only to realize that the key to happiness is being myself. Running helped me with that, and the discovery was actually more of a re-discovery. Today I have a lot more in common with the me I was at the age of 10 than the not-me I was trying to be at 20, or the struggling-me I didn't quite know how to be yet at 30.

It's healthy to be evolving away from my need of running and find a new relationship with it. One more balanced toward enjoyment of the process, not the end goal. Filling up more my spirit, less my ego. I know for sure that I won't run a 50 miler until I can be in that place with my running. I'm excited to have new adventures like that one open up for me when I fully get there.

Until then, it's kind of nice to have more energy to put into other areas of my life. We went to a fun wedding of a dear friend in Chicago recently, work is very busy, and I even gave our kitchen a badly-needed scouring! And I'm ridiculously excited about Derrick and I both seeing the Rocky Mountains for the first time in a few weeks, together.
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7 comments:

Kea said...

Interesting how the ego must label everything, including itself!

Really neat, Sara, that you are more in tune with your Child-self now...I think that's fabulous. We lose too much of that as we get older and allow ourselves to become weighted down with life concerns.

Not sure "who" I'd be without my ego's negative self-perceptions. LOL. Well, pure Being, I guess. And with no need to be in physical form. :-)

David said...

Sara,

What you posted made me think. You see I too went though an identity crisis - trying to be something or someone who I thought people wanted me to be to fit in. Looking back when I was in public school and high school (9&10) I was a runner, I didn't have to pretend to be someone else, that is who people knew me as. When I stopped, I was lost, always trying to be something else. When I got back into running I found myself again and can be a lot more relaxed in my skin.

I am not saying that if you stop running for a while you will loose yourself. Being older,now that you are comfortable with, and know who you are, you will never let it go or loose it.

It doesn't define you per say, but does lead you to enlightenment (just had to throw that word in).

Recover both physically and mentally and enjoy the Rockies and that Fall, and when you re ready - you'll know - Haliburton is still a year away - lots of time (wink, wink)

See you soon, hope some of it makes sense.

David

Sara said...

Kim - I always like our ego discussions. :)

David - Very interesting story. 'Relaxed in my skin' is such a good way to put it. Hope you and Kimberley are both doing well, and having fun with the pup. Hope to see you soon.

JD said...

Enjoy your time off. I just took a few weeks and I decided not to feel guilty about it. I mostly succeeded. Mostly.

Like David says, the trails will always be there.

EJ said...

Sara,
I hope your hip starts feeling better with the rehab and some TLC. When I had to really cut back from training because of my knee I realized that I was only as strong as my weakest part. Once I and my ego accepted the reality of that statement I became focused on my recovery and I totally GAVE IN to the healing process. GIVING IN can be so freeing and in no way means GIVING UP. Sometimes things are just out of our hands. As they say "Time heals all wounds," so enjoy your healing time and I look forward to seeing what sorts of things you choose to do with it IE. cleaning is good(starting with a clean slate can mark a new beginning) but writing poetry is even better: )
Eliza

Aaron said...

Sara

I know that this is hard for you but you will be stronger for it, remember you are in it for the long haul and the time you need to recover is important!

Margaret is perfecting her veggie lasagna for you guys!

Anonymous said...

Turn Turn Turn!! (are you too young?)
To Everything There Is a Season!
corny but true (I think!!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNopQq5lWqQ&feature=related