Thursday, November 12, 2015

The Storm

I've spent my whole life trying to outrun my fears.

Dodging around rain clouds of doubt, anxiety, darkness, insecurity; always trying to fight my way toward patches of sunshine. 

Then I encountered a storm that was too big, too dark, too powerful. I could see it on the horizon chasing me down. I knew every time I saw it coming that I was so fucking doomed. So I ran harder than I ever had, driven by my quaking fear. 

But there was no outrunning it; grief storm had me cornered. Wearily I turned to face it as I crumpled to the ground. In my surrender it raged over me and turned me inside out. 

The storm re-calibrated me like mountains have done to the hills I run at home, the north did to our winter winds, and my ultras have done to my ability to endure all that fear.

Now the sky is clearing, the winds are subsiding and the sun is starting to warm the ground I rest on. I am sensing a calmness and a trust rising up in me. I know I'll never be the same. 

I would give it all back a thousand times over to have my mother back. With her passing she left us each some of her mighty courage. We need it, and I don't intend to squander her gift.

I'm through with running away.


11 comments:

Buttons Thoughts said...

Oh this is a beautiful piece of writing. I think your Mom knew you were strong and not running out of fear all the time. "Mighty courage" is a wonderful gift from her and I have no doubt you would never squander it and she knows that too. HUGS B

Adam said...

This is beautiful and courageous Sara. I never met you Mom but if you and Jeff are any indication, she was most likely a wonderful person.

Sara Montgomery said...

Thanks so much, Buttons.

Thanks, Adam. I enjoyed taking a look at your blog. Your family is so beautiful! Nice to see you.

Jeff M. said...

Tears are pouring down my cheeks as I write these words. You ran this ultra like a champ. I was proud to witness your pure love and courage shine strong through each moment in time. Your words are a gift to me this morning. You lost your mom but you gained the love and respect of a sister.

Heather xoxoxo

Jeff M. said...

Wow Sara, this is a beautiful piece of writing and a beautiful gift mom gave to you. I know you will treasure it always. We all received special gifts from mom and will continue to, forever I think. Thanks for putting this out for all of us to read.

PS I like when you swear...

Love you,
Jeff

Sara Montgomery said...

Thanks Jeff and Heather, for the very kind words, and for so much more. It feels good to know how much it would/does mean to mom how our bonds have strengthened so much, all of us.
Love you both.

Corey said...

Gorgeous writing Sara. So much is said in perfectly simple words. Thank you for sharing it.

Sara Montgomery said...

Thanks, Corey. Much appreciated. :)

Derrick said...

So glad that you're writing again. So powerful, passionate and beautiful! Love it...love you!

Sara Montgomery said...

Thank you Sweetie. Love you so much! MTS.

ron said...

agree